My daughter was one when my twins were born. At the store I had to put their car seats in the grocery cart while she sat in the top seat of the cart.
People would ask me “Where does the food go?” To which I’d always reply, “On my hips and thighs, like most women I know.”
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
Twitter 2013: “Come and see what fun things your favourite celebrities are up to!”
Twitter 2023: “Your old favourite celebrities are now convinced lizard people are trying to take away your car and replace them with genders”
“why are you being so quiet?” bc I wasn’t listening the first half of the conversation and now I have no idea wtf is going on
I’ve noticed many of my friends are in The Grapefruit Window, which means they’re old enough to enjoy eating grapefruit but not yet on medication that prevents them from eating grapefruit.
best first i’ve ever seen
I was trying to help my 4yo with his socks and he told me “I got it old man” so yea you can fit a whole lot of audacity into a 4yo.
“I was about to sleep but just saw ice cream in the freezer”, an autobiography.
Two wolves ? more like a hyena carcass and a dust bunny.
5: What’s for dinner? Probably something gross like last time. So, what’s for gross dinner?
Me: I’m having pasta but I no longer know what you’ll be eating
You can always win an argument if you set them on fire.
2yo: Me sick *sneezes in my face*
Me: Oh good, what fun plague am I going to catch now?
Told 4 about a link where astronauts were reading stories in space for kids to watch.
“That’s a terrible idea!” she says. “They shouldn’t be reading while they’re driving!”
