Scream 1996: killer uses landline; makes it until the end
Scream 2022: killer uses Facebook, twitter, insta; gets caught immediately
Sponch
I asked my wife if I can count on her, she said I always can.
I sat on her lap and said “One, two, three, four, five”
For someone who dislikes Bill Gates, my dad sure does dress a lot like him.
“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he roared his engine louder!”
-nobody ever
Balloons take up a certain amount of space in the package, but if you want to know how big they’ll be when in use you have to adjust for inflation.
Why did the Christmas cake disappear?
It was stollen.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
The water main broke in my hotel which means no water until 3am. This is how the front desk employee broke the news: “You all have 2 flushes left. Make them count.”
Wife wants some excitement in the bedroom so I’m going to put small rubber snakes in her underwear drawer
Putting peanut butter on all my fingers before I go to bed so I can have a snack later.
[ gets death tarot card ]
me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad
blackjack dealer: seems kinda bad
My 5yo has come up with bedtime topics such as how elephants give birth, how the sun produces heat, and natural disasters.
centaur: I broke my arm
doctor: it’s okay I can fix it
centaur: I broke my leg too
doctor: *cocks rifle*
The highest paid minds in campaign fundraising are hard at work figuring out how to send me more mail that I hate
Cool shirt 🙂