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Family Celebrity
Dating over 40 is like Hide and Seek but no one is looking for you
My neighbors kid has been outside banging on a bucket for over an hour while their dog barks at him ….. I would throw a rock but I’m afraid I’d hit the dog.
Ghosts can’t cut or color their hair; hence they’re supernatural
The scariest pumpkins ever 😵🤣🎃
Mick Jagger and his 8 followers just followed me so I guess it’s my lucky day and this makes 4 Mick Jaggers now the gang’s all here !
Rubbing your own eyes good n hard is awesome, but the thought of someone else doing it for you is horrifying.
My fiance booked a helicopter tour of the Grand Canyon on Friday the 13th because he has apparently never seen final destination
If I ever move into a mansion, it means I definitely won the lottery, or I’m successfully blackmailing someone.
My kids: We’re bored!
Me (thinking about when I sharpened a whole box (50?) of yellow pencils with my grandmother’s bolted to the desk, metal, pencil sharpener): Hm. That’s a you problem.
I have worked as a chef for over twenty years, and I can confirm that the “correct” way to cook scrambled eggs is whichever way makes you happy.
The waitstaff is making TikTok’s with my food at this restaurant I can see them doing it please I’m starving
