I was holding a yard sale. Someone held up a cookbook and asked “Is this vegan?”
I said they don’t make book binding glue from horses anymore, so she can eat any of the books on the table.
I lost the sale, but the confused look on her face was worth way more than 75 cents.
Everyone is entitled to a couple conspiracy theories, but is safe to say Elvis is probably dead by now?
If it hurts you more than it hurts them then you are holding the taser wrong
Still the weirdest shit to me how the mario movie did the “aw I just want my dad to support me and my dream” plot but instead of like being a musician, Mario wants to be a plumber. Which is a pretty grounded reasonable thing to want to do.
No, I wish my water bottle had MORE parts to disassemble and wash. Seven is not enough!
Me: This escape room sucks
My boss: This is a budget meeting…
Beyonce, shame on you. Beytwice, shame on me.
Guy trying to flirt with me: I just can’t understand how someone like you doesn’t have a boyfriend.
Me: Here, does this help?
*turns and walks away*
Camping in the mountains is fun. You just have to have a good sleeping bag, a tent that will hold the contents of a small kitchen, good hiking boots, and potable food/water. Oh, and be faster than whoever you’re hiking with in the event of a bear sighting.
You look like you can go as yourself for Halloween.
The optimist sees the carrot.
The pessimist sees the stick.
I see the ranch dip.
Hey girl are you my taxes cause I just wanna spend all day and night trying to figure you out.