Waitress: *laughs at my husband’s dad joke*
Me: DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT YOU HAVE DONE?!
PLEASE HELP MY BIOLOGY TEACHER ASKED WHATS THE OPPOSITE OF “DOMINANT” AND I CONFIDENTIALLY ANSWERED “SUBMISSIVE” TO THE WHOLE CLASS
The best way to break up with your vampire boyfriend is over a stake dinner.
My daily affirmation
A universal unit of measurement is especially helpful in the squid world where you can enjoy tentacle-long hotdogs, chicken tentacle soup, pickled pig’s tentacles and the kids favorite fruit by the tentacle.
Holiday dinners with family are like real life boss levels with the worst loot
look at this pretty bar i went to last night! also look at the first photo i took, featuring my panic as i realized the flash was on
Hubs: Why can’t we use the good china?
Me: Because that’s for if the Queen comes to visit
Hubs: um…
Me: oh bugger!
WIFE: would you take a bullet for me?
ME: baby I’d take a bullet for anyone
Always the kidnapper, never the kidnapped
If I woke up today from a ten year coma and the first thing I saw was an ad for the new downton abbey movie I’d be like oh ok thank god. Looks like I was only out for a few months
REMEMBER, if five people classify you as a “2,” technically, you are then a “10”…
Doing car review videos where I tell you if there’s enough elbow room to clean your ears while driving, how it sounds while in the car wash, and how much spaghetti fits in each Pringle holder
Sing like no one’s listening
Dance like no one’s watching
Rub up against the bus stop like no one’s going to call the police