Hello consequences, my actions went that way.
me: I think I’m losing my marbles
proctologist: I’m finding them
#NoRestForTheWicked
Elsa’s dad forbid her from using her powers specially so no one would be tempted to change the thermostat.
I love it when companies with names like “Grandmas cookies” have ingredients like Thiamin mononitrate.
I remember waiting for the cookies to cool and licking the bromine off of the spoon. Good times.
Why does that little guy keep jumping from one side of the subway to the other?
Dude, he’s a Metro Gnome
Despite what they tell you, my kids love playing the games I make up, like “where did mommy put her keys this time” and “who can spot mommy’s cell phone”
uncle dave has been through hell
I chose to wash dishes before I went to a doctors appointment yesterday, and after examining me, my new doctors first question to me was, “does your hand usually smell like chicken?”
I accidentally replied “worries” instead of no worries and it was the first honest email I’ve ever sent.
HERE’S MARKY
Psychologist: I’m going to lift this shade and you’ll see you are NOT a vampire.
Man: No!
*lifts shade and the sunlight ignites the man into a screaming inferno*
Nurse: *screams*
P: He convinced his body to do that.
N:
P: I’ve seen it before, Brenda. He’s the 9th this week.
Me driving through Toronto
Mushrooms must be protected from the rain at all times.
People calling themselves a Personal Coach right now feels a lot like that time I called myself a Soccer Coach when my son was six.