My husband let the batteries die in all the security cameras because he didn’t like seeing his bald spot at a better angle.
I just woke up from a dream where a very attractive man with an adorable dog invited me to get ice cream… and I told him, “sorry, I don’t have any condoms,” then walked away. Dream me is as awkward as real me.
I discovered my 91-year-old Dad wearing blue surgical gloves while he ate.
Me: Uh, Dad, what are you doing?
Dad: Chicken wings are so slippery everyone should wear gloves.
True statement👍😏😁
Her: Whats that mouth do boo?
Me: Probably say something stupid.
Interviewer: Your resume says your desired job is “sinecure.” Did you mean to use a different word there?
Me: Did I misuse that word? Ha, sorry about that!
Interviewer: No problem, ha ha.
Me: What I meant is that I want to get paid for doing almost no work.
*first day of pilot school*
Teacher: It feels like you misheard the class description
Me: Why do you say that
The parrot on my shoulder: Why do you say that
Somebody call the cops.
Benoit Blanc: So this baloney of yours, does it have a first name? Could you be so kind as to spell it?
[invention of cap’n crunch]
satan: give them sugar croutons
Accidentally used a toe of newt and eye of frog and now Kermit wears a monocle.
I’m drinking espresso until I find how many it takes to vibrate my molecules fast enough that I can pass through walls. So far it’s not seventeen and I’m running out of Band-Aids
HEIST MASTERMIND: There’s laser tripwires everywhere, so be careful.
GUY WHO ALWAYS OPENS BAGS OF M&Ms WAY TOO HARD: Got it.
a joke attributed to nasreddin, a medieval turkish humorist
According to Marie Kondo, we should get rid of anything that doesn’t spark joy. By that logic, I should just quit my job.