Blessed is the one who can fall asleep before the snoring partner
my retirement plan is braless
“Oh, hello! I didn’t see you there” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you.
“First you bug me to go out, and now you want to come right back in? You’ve been out there for like thirty seconds. Did you at least pee? Tell me you at least peed.”
always baffles me that anyone thought “did it hurt when you fell from heaven?” was a good pickup line. you mean like the devil?
Maybe she was born with it, maybe she was forged in the fires of Mount Doom.
I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.
A friend who is on Bumble told me a guy texted her, “Do you like prunes?” as an opener and she thought it was bizarre. I told her to respond with, “No, but I do like dates” in case you were wondering who not to ask for dating advice ever
Men: Remember that time…
Women: Yes
Melatonin: You want some help falling asleep?
Me: Yes please.
Melatonin: And you want your nightmares more vivid and real?
Me: What?
Ceiling Lady: 🅈🄾🅄 🄷🄴🄰🅁🄳 🄷🄸🄼.
Simply Red’s piano player just couldn’t be arsed
Pisces all day: Pisces at 3am:
