me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
dentist: open up
me: it all started 20 years ago when my dad-
dentist: i meant your mouth
hygienist: wait let him finish Glen
If a Stork is responsible for bringing babies, what bird prevents them?
A Swallow.
*walks into a restaurant*
Waiter: Sir, I have Stewed Liver, Boiled Tongue & Frog’s Legs.
Me: Enough bout your problems. Get the Menu Card
Love listening to 29 year olds say they are old.
I heard a landline ring the other day and I legit thought it was a fire alarm
馃槉馃
Me: we’re having toad in the hole for breakfast
Pet toad: WHAT
Home #decor warning.
Who called it a licence to own small amphibians and not Permit the Frog.
My 5 year old said he was looking for a treasure chest but I thought he said cheddar chest and for a brief moment life as a pirate sounded beautiful
I said ‘wake me up with just your mouth’ and she’s not stopped yelling until after I jumped out of the bed.
Hey, don’t blame me for all of the craziness in this world. I was raised by a green frog named Kermit, a diva pig named Ms. Piggy, and a brown bear named Fozzie who was totally wacka, wacka, wacka.
Scientists have yet to pinpoint why the universe sends a loud car, barking dog or gale force winds past your house just as your kid is about to drift off to sleep.