My dog loses her goddamn mind when I pull a treat from behind her ear
Child: I can’t wait to be older.
Me [tweezing grey hairs growing out of my ear]: There is literally no greater joy.
I could totally be a squirrel matador. Possibly.
kids: *having a rough day*
air-conditioning: *broken*
me: *sweaty and irritated*
underwire bra: would be a shame if something were to suddenly…snap
The Amazon algorithm? More like a buyological weapon, amirite?!
Kids are like mosquitoes…
…when they stop making a noise, start worrying
🎶99 sheets of TP on the roll
99 sheets of TP,
You take one down,
Make it all brown,
98 sheets of TP on the roll.
98 sheets of TP on-🎶Wife [outside bathroom door]: PLEASE STOP SINGING
tv: low volume
tv: volume jacked up for 6 seconds
tv: low volume
tv: volume jacked up for 6 seconds
[when I watch tv & eat chips]
Me: What do you want for your birthday?
12yo: I don’t know
Me, jokingly: Drugs?
12yo: Nah, too expensive
Me:
Her: Wanna make a baby with me?
Dr. Frankenstein: Hell yes.
we thought buying an abandoned silo and turning it into a Gamer Silo would be easy, but after most of our computers, consoles, LED lights, streaming equipment, and three guys sank into the grain we realised that this was going to be a real challenge.
I’m less popular then mushrooms, because I’m not a fungi
Nice that I’ll hear “Just a little prick” today because I’m giving blood samples and not from some random person replying to my tweets for once.
Didn’t realize how much I drank over the holiday. The Urgent Care doc wants to put my liver in a walking cast.
me: ok I am gonna get on the roof to fix something
12, concerned: are you sure it will hold you?