Radio: “…it’s a climate of fear…”
Outside: [*raining clowns*]
Job interviewer: Where would you like to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
If anyone were to look at my bathroom they’d be positive some kind of a struggle took place.
But nope, it was just me getting ready.
[Day 739 of me refusing to admit I’m stuck in a tree]
No I did this on purpose.
Arguing over who really won the spelling bee but it’s their word against mine
I twisted my ankle playing vodka last night
I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.
The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.
I wouldn’t say I’m fragile, but I am always about three drinks away from grabbing the scissors and chopping off all my hair.
Cartoons taught me that if you got a bucket rammed onto your head, when you got it off, your head would be shaped like the bucket. Well after this morning I can tell you, that is a total lie
When I told my contractor I didn’t want carpeted steps, he gave me a blank stair.
I just cleaned the house and took a picture so that in 15 minutes I can remember how nice it looked.
In an effort to make strangers more comfortable around me, I will now be kissing the hand of everyone I meet.
The winner of the smallest pet amphibian contest was so tiny it was my newt.
I know it’s impossible to keep kids from screaming when they play outside but I wish there was some way to teach them the difference between “WE ARE HAVING A FUN GAME!” Screaming and “WE ARE BEING BRUTALLY MURDERED!” Screaming
My toddler just sneezed into the fridge, so I have to cancel all of our plans for the next two weeks because my family will be taking turns having the plague.