The MCU should introduce an evil version of Mjölnir that you can only lift if you’re a total jerk.
A general rule of parenting: If you’re having a great day, a 4yo will be along shortly to vomit all over you.
I went to an antique auction. Three people bid on me.
took a gummy earlier and I’m sitting outside. The same bush to my left has scared the shit out of me at least 4 times over the last 20 minutes.
I tell my kids winning isn’t everything and then I steal money from the monopoly bank.
[day after the beast’s household got turned back into people]
beauty:beast:
beauty:
beast:
beauty: …so we just don’t have cups now?
you don’t understand, mom, those are my emotional support boxes of miscellaneous junk that I need to store unopened in your basement for somewhere between 3 and 35 years
*trying to remember something*
brain: put your hands on hips
The pediatrician: What do you eat at your house?
My 5yo: MOSTLY NACHOS
Me: I mean, that’s not ALL we eat, hon.
5yo: YOU ARE RIGHT. WE ALSO EAT COSTCO PIZZA
one thing I never see discussed in the remote vs office debate is the ability to have sex with my wife who also wfh during the day. much easier while the kids at school and huge boon for my productivity. not sure how to explain to my boss who wants me at the office more
grandparents are too precious for this world
was going to buy this diversion safe but realized somewhat ironically that the only thing of value to my name is a can of hormel chili
Just microwaved some lasagna in an office full of carb-starved women, I feel like I’m in an axe body spray commercial
It’s not so much that I have no idea what the kids are saying these days, it’s that when I look up the slang I still have no idea what it means