I always double-check our garage door is closed at night. I don’t want someone stealing all the stuff we’ve been trying to get rid of for years.
KITTEN: *flailing wildly*
MAMA CAT: hey would you knock it off
KITTEN: *slaps tv remote onto the floor*
MAMA CAT: excellent
ME: hello I’d like to return this body. it’s defective.
GOD: I’m sorry but your warranty has expired
Thought I was turning into my dad, but it was just his driveway.
You can’t please me, you’re not the long straight block in Tetris.
The first time I tried to repair one of my kids toys, I thought it was important that they stand back a bit, and verily, I say unto you, it was from there that they watched me superglue the skylander to my hand.
If only
chews marshmallows with bovine intensity
Me: You Miss 100% Of The Shots You Don’t Take
Vaccination clinic nurse: You are already boosted. Please Leave
gonna open a bar called “well, actually” and any time someone utters that phrase they have to buy everyone in the place a round of well shots
My sense of humour has been described as “oh god..” and “please stop, this is a funeral”.
I’ll be spending some time on my other account.
Be back later.* if I’m not back later please read the message above again*
Coworker – Have you ever gotten Covid?
Me – Does my gut look like I’ve ever lost the sense of taste or smell?