i was just about to start being a good person but then i got mildly inconvenienced
Isn’t
even after eight years of being a dog parent i am still amazed daily how quickly and brazenly my seat gets stolen
My multivitamin is the same size as an earplug. Guess how I accidentally know that?
Moving to a new house-
Everyone: “congrats! That’s so exciting! Yay! Great news!”
My dad: “how’s the water pressure?”
Overheard two American tourists as they walked past the chemist: “I didn’t know New Zealand had pharmacies. I didn’t even know they had medicine.”
I open the door slowly, slipping inside. I keep a measured pace, breathing evenly, keeping my heartbeat low. Five steps, ten steps; I begin to relax. A voice calls from behind me, ”Sir?” I ignore it. “Sir, what’s that in your pants?” I walk faster. “Someone stop that man!” I run.
hey man i’m really worried about you.. your mum said you haven’t been looking after your gutbiome ?
Yeah sex is pretty good but have you ever successfully started a conga line?
Just killed an ant and I feel like for the sake of gender equality I need to kill an uncle now.
“does this spark joy?” but with phone contacts.
I’ve been wondering why a “fat chance” and a “slim chance” mean the same thing.
therapist: you are your own worst enemy
me: undefeated baby
My kid asked me what gaslighting is but I didn’t know how to explain it so I just said it’s not a real thing