i love playing rock paper scissors they never expect me to pull a glock out of my pocket
lightly toasted and extra crispy 🍞
The bear sleeping bag is completely awesome.
“I need a woman like you in my life”
Aww thanks, I hope you find her lol
HER: My daughter is named Nevaeh which is heaven spelled backwards.
ME: *Phone rings* Hold on my son Elohssa is calling
You want me to work for exposure? the thing that killed Marie Curie?
“Plane” kicks off a series of movies named by little boys pointing at things. Watch out for “Truck” in 2024 and “Doggie” in 2025.
Die Hard is a Valentine’s Day movie.
…..pretty much.
just found out Mr. Miyagi’s first name was Trent, I hate hollywood
you know the joke for kids that goes like this?:
“what do you call an alligator in a vest?”
“an investigator.”well, i think i just wrote a new one that goes like this:
“what do you call a duck who’s a detective?”
“deductive.”BONUS: a detective IS an investigator.
No coffin for me thanks. I want to be creamated and have my ashes stored in a nice Tupperware container.
are there any atheist mantises?
hellofresh sends me more texts than my boyfriend.
I’m not saying I’m a conspiracy theorist, but I swear some of these typos have been planted.