Me: Can you get me more sports drink at the store?
Wife: Beer isn’t a sports drink
Me: I drink it while I watch sports.
I’m sorry I joined the zoom with my flames of hell background
Wearing a rollerblade on one foot and an ice skate on the other so you are prepared for any type of terrain.
My kids slept til 7:30 on the weekend so I gave them ice cream for breakfast and let them ride their bikes in the house.
My stepmother asking me exactly how many chicken nuggets to make for my kids like lady it could be 15 or 0 do I look like some kind of psychic
I’m so uncomfortable with confrontation, a waiter could bring me a bowl of cold black olives instead of my meal and I would quietly eat them and tip 30%.
Feb 14th іs for lovers. Feb 15th іs for lovers of hаlf prіce cаndy.
My 2yo was swinging a wooden spoon around and it hit me in the head so I told him “please be gentle with that.” He paused for a minute then started petting the spoon like it was a cat.
My husband unloaded the dishwasher before I woke up this morning and that’s an awful lot of flirting for a Wednesday morning
[creation]
PORCUPINE: So what’s my deal
GOD: Basically a fat lazy rat that eats sticks and your vision sucks
P: WTF dude are you serious
G: lmfao yeah bro
P:
G:
P: Can… I at least be covered in thousands of tiny swords
G:
P:
G: HELL YES THAT IS METAL AF MY MAN
her: *opening valentine’s day gift* are these abacus beads?
me: it’s the little things that count
Math homework? If this is my son’s backpack, that means my parachute must be —
If I get to Heaven the first thing I’m going to ask God is if I should have tipped on carryout orders or not
a guy just bought my red bull for me at the gas station so i think we’re married now.