Me: I like sunsets
Son: *squinting* sounds like something a vampire would say
Me:
Son: you’re also very pale
I hate the number 7 like “ohh look at me I’m all prime and lucky ohhhh”. You’re just a wonky 1, grow up already
Airlines need to freakin’ make up their mind abt the temp of the plane once n for all.
1st flight was so freakin’ cold, I could see my soda freeze as I was drinking it n now the 2nd one is throwing so much hot air like I wanna lie naked rn!!!
#travelling
#AmericanAirlines
gym bro: “dude are you using disney+ to watch rapunzel’s tangled adventure in between sets?”
me:
Aw yeah! Who has two thumbs and is having sex today? That’s right. Somebody else.
turtleneck: oooh cozy
mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY
turtleneck: oooh cozy
mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY
Eggs are really expensive! I should know. I fertilized one six years ago.
I used to be in baton twirling when I was younger I was terrible at it but I don’t care it stays on my resumé nonetheless
Welp, I just ran my car off the road. I was doing the “We Will Rock You” beat with my hands and forgot I don’t have a self-driving car
Pretty sure this owl hates everything 🤣🤣🤣
I miss phone booths both as a source of loose change and also as protection against attacking seagulls
A group of crows is called a murder.
A group of people walking slowly in front of me at a store, is called motive.
#notsorry
Dracula: Let me give you eternal life….
Me: Are you kidding me have you looked around at this world…no thank you.
Dracula: What time is sunrise?
My neighbours are so judgemental about me working from home. Mostly because I use their home.