the best sex is the kind that keeps your neighbor up all night. that’s what my neighbors are having.
[calendar naming committee]
BOSS: how should we spell the second month
GUY WHO SPELLED WEDNESDAY: i have an idea
Sometimes I like to play the power card and remind my husband that I was once woken up to a phone hitting me in the head. He tied it to the ceiling fan to reach a certain number of steps and it flew off.
You know what doesn’t charge $20.00+/month and prevent you from sharing a password?
A book.
me: 7’s favorite toy eats batteries like crazy
husband: *laughs* that’s funny, yours does too-
me:
husband: I’ll go get more batteries
I haven’t had one mouth papercut since I stopped flossing with business cards
*5yo curses incessantly after falling.*
*Me realizing where he got it from: 😬*
Hubby: “Are there any trophy stores open? You deserve a mother of the year award.”
Find you a girl that can lay eggs.
My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!
Let’s make “door pants” a thing. Those pants you leave by your front door so when delivery people knock on your door you have easy access.
My brother dropped my MacBook and the screen got slightly cracked, so I’m giving it away for free if anyone’s interested
Specifications:
Age : 11
Weight : 25Kgs
Healthy so far.
*trying to write a journal article*
*submits a manuscript that just says “around the world” 144 times because it worked for Daft Punk*
Valentine’s Day in a cardiac surgeon’s house
Wife opening cooler: this had better be chocolates
Not to brag, but I think I’d make a good poster child for population control
When I said I was a “first responder” I meant that I am quick to send the thumbs up emoji in the family text thread.