How many birds do you think you could have on you before you’d panic
The movie theatre: No outside food or candy allowed
Me:
He’s so proud of his work! 🤣
Now THIS is a Drinking Problem.
The fishmonger at our local market is always pretty unfriendly.
I’d describe him as a little standoffish.
I needed this today. He takes a break. Lol
I’m currently reading a book about a couple of insects who fall in love in an Italian city.
It’s a Rome ants novel.
“Excuse me, sir, I’m going to have to ask you not to sleep in the library.”
“Why are you bothering me right now? What if I was dead?”
“I’m afraid we discourage that as well.”
Sometimes I like to think that at the end of a long day, the chips and dip in my kitchen see me and think, “We thought you’d never come back for us!”
What did people do with pineapple before pizza was invented?
Every once in a while you feel like someone is watching out for you, and it’s not the sniper on the roof
Employers are right when they say their workplace is like family. They’ll give you endless trauma and then blame you for being mentally ill.
“Crunchy” peanut butter is just peanut butter that gave up in the process.
Don’t be like crunchy peanut butter.
How my city treated us singles yesterday😮💨😩
I took a personality test and hoo-boy I do not appreciate some of the things it is saying about me.