4yo: can you get this open for me?
Me: oomph this is kinda tough
4yo: use your claws
“No mom, do not stuff shrimp in your purse for “later”
And other things I thought I’d never have to say to my 85 yr old mother at a buffet..
Me in my 20’s: Bad to the bone
Me in my 40’s: Glued to my phone
Boss: *gives us company jerseys as a perk*
Me: Master has presented Dobby with clothes.
Don’t ask me for advice…I advocate breakups and crime.
My daughter just asked “if you’re waiting for the waiter, doesn’t that make you the waiter?”
Me:……….
IMPORTANT:
IF YOU GET A TEXT MESSAGE WITH A LINK THAT SAYS “NSFW SLIM JIM” — DO NOT CLICK IT — IT IS A VIRUS THAT PUTS YOUR KEYBOARD ON CAPS LOCKPLS TELL EVERYONE
Sex is great, but have you ever ate some fries after doing keto for 6 months?
Screamed from the other room for somebody to bring me toilet paper only to be ignored.
Olive Garden wasn’t lying. When you’re here, you really are family.
My 6yo drew a picture of my mom, and I don’t think she’s ever going to babysit ever again😭
Dont skip breakfast! Eat a journalist! 😋
I’m just a girl adding $132 worth of merchandise to my cart so I don’t have to pay the $10 shipping charge.
me: how do i use this inhaler?
doctor: you suck.
me: i’m trying sorry
three suited men in my coffeeshop. one of them just said, “my personal idea of progress is moving things forward,” which is actually just the definition. everyone’s nodding. guys like this are in charge of every industry and it’s clearly why trains explode