Phone: your storage is full.
“looks at my 8,726 identical photos of last 100 years”
Me: no, I need all of these
I briefly stepped away from social media to get an idea of what else is going on in the world. For instance, I didn’t realize I was still married.
I will buy anything that is endorsed by a celebrity from the 70’s/80s. That’s why I have a reverse mortgage even though I live in an apartment.
I’m never sure what to do with my hands when I’m eating fried chicken while making an illegal u-turn.
I found a condom lying in the street in front of my house so I now know exactly where the rubber meets the road.
Dolphins kill more people than sharks. The difference is that dolphins know how to hide a body.
The chick next to me brought everything she owned on the plane. She’s currently pitching her tent & unpacking.
9YO: What will we be watching for the the family movie night
Me: Hang on, give me a…
7YO *sighs*: … We’ll be watching daddy play 24 trailers and then fall asleep
Somewhere, there is an employee specifically designing the bags of very small screws and hardware that fling their contents across the room when you try to open them. I will one day find something with your scent, and release the hounds upon you.
Trying to get home and now I have to complete a side quest
Headline: Oscars stars hit the red carpet
Red carpet: I’m so bruised.
Shout out to my kids because THEY AREN’T LISTENING!!!!
Had to change my work password twice today and I’m rapidly running out of Brendan Fraser movies.
Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Musical.