Girlfriends are always complaining, you don’t remember this, you don’t remember that!!
Well we are men, not memory foam!
#mattressjokes
breaking into your house and inventorying your pantry so you know what you need the next time you go to costco
My boss: hey you got a sec?
Me: I have all the secs
Boss: what?
Me: what?
If I were to give myself the award for being the laziest person on Earth, I’ll do it tomorrow.
#LazyProcrastinator #procrastination
Neighbor: Careful, the stairs are slippery tonight
Me, starfished at the bottom of the stairs: Good to know, thank you
Found my chapstick in my pants pocket before it went through the washer or the dryer in case anyone is looking for a life coach.
Today, nobody showed up to my 8.15am class.
0 students of about 40. Sitting in the empty room, I email them, trying to disguise my hurt feelings.
2 mins later, I get a reply: “Professor, we think you might be in the wrong room.” So anyway off I go to live in a hole forever.
Just bent over and heard a snap. Was hoping it was a broken rib but turns out it was the underwire in my last good bra snapping 😭
As my mate Simon once said, there should be a German word for “there should be a German word for”.
No one likes my practical joke of licking all the spoons in their house at 3am and that’s why I need my feelings journal today
I’m trying to like people but boy oh boy do they make it hard.
