every night i say to my husband, “go up without me, I have to take my vitamins” but I’m just eating cookie dough
Babymaking music but it’s the Benny Hill theme song
WebMD is too stodgy and clinical, give me EtsyMD where you get your diagnosis embroidered on one of them wooden rings 𝓨𝓸𝓾’𝓻𝓮 𝓭𝔂𝓲𝓷𝓰 𝓹𝓻𝓸𝓫𝓪𝓫𝓵𝔂
*Seductively turns all your toilet tissue rolls the wrong way…
No, it’s fine. I watched some cartoons and now I feel a little more at ease with your stupidness
How inappropriate is it to ask a stranger to scratch your back? Need to know ten minutes ago.
me: psst, wanna see a dead body
nurse at my first surgery: no
What do Norse mythology and chastity belts have in common?
Asgard.
if ever go missing please only put pictures of me on the news where i look skinny and hot even if that means they won’t find me
A haiku about getting the kids up for school:
Get up get up get
Up geT UP GET UP GET UP
Great there goes the bus
What do you call a moose with no name?
Anonymoose.
There’s a reason we say cheese and not salad when we have to smile for a photo.
I was in the first Top Gun movie.
I was the Marine actually working out in the background while the Navy took time off to play little volleyball games.