commenting “so brave” on every couple photo on valentine’s day, as a treat
I own 2 crabs. One is happy and the other is grumpy. The happy one is crab A.
The grumpy one is crab B.
I identify with this toooooo much. 😂😂😂😂😂
Open for business, 24/7
~my stomach
Valentine’s Day tip for the men:
If you made dinner reservations call the restaurant and tell the host there’s an extra $20 for the bartenders if they card your wife.
You’re welcome
How all things should be taught/explained.
Ladies if you receive flowers with no card attached, they’re from me.
It’s that time of year again where I go to random restaurants to tell random women “So this is why you cancelled our date” while they’re with their significant other.
I’m so old that if I was a Care Bear, I’d be Medicare Bear.
My 5yo would like to wish you all a Happy Balance Time Day
Kids will be like, “How was I suppose to know it would spill?”
– my son chasing his sisters around our living room with an open container of fake blood.
If I can’t use finger puppets during my acceptance speech, then you can keep your Oscar.
Believe me, I looked.
But I couldn’t find a single Valentine’s card that said “You’re a nice guy, but I don’t want to go on a third date.”
her: we’re engaged, Dad!
her dad: [to me] u didn’t ask me first
me: you’re not really my type
just can’t imagine being this mad at a pond