The most important meal of the day is the next one
Without freedom of speech we wouldn’t know who the idiots are!
People really out here threatening to take twitter to court for suspending their account.
Me on my 5th acct: but, like why?
If I let you into my life, I am either emotionally invested or you are a grilled cheese sandwich.
Me: I can’t, I actually have a nice little date this weekend.
My nice little date:
1985: imagine what school photos will be like in the future
2022 (the future): adds one neon laserbeam and one fake bookshelf background to cart
*alarm goes off* me: how much do I really NEED this job?
dove: don’t poop on a nun…don’t poop on a nun…*poops* dammit
My mom didn’t respond to the family gardening group thread when I announced my monarch caterpillars so I called the landline, and it was so worth it. She used to have an “I brake for butterflies” bumper sticker. Definitely more excited than when I told her I was getting married
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day but teach a man to phish and he will steal your social security # so click here to verify your account.
Ex: will you take me out for my birthday?
Me, grabbing my pistol: I thought you’d never ask
me: Hey!! Four Eyes!!!
Mississippi: *crying*
*travels to Tibet*
*scales Mount Makalu*
*finds sacred Guru on the summit*Guru: We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.
I couldn’t work at Popeyes… I’ll be walking around my whole shift with drumsticks and thighs poking out of my pockets…