i once made an offhand comment at summer camp that got a laugh so i remembered it for a year and worked it into conversation the next summer but it didn’t get a laugh that year. so you see i don’t need to do stand-up, i’ve already internalized its lessons.
Whenever I’m willing to sell my soul, there’s usually food involved.
We can agree that making someone swear in for a job is stupid right? Like, “okay, you’re hired! But first you gotta pinky promise in front of EVERYONE that you’re not gonna suck at this”
My goal was to look good in a bikini this summer, but the call of the warm bread dipped in oil is stronger.
Me: *holding my hands out* Time to say grace
McDonald’s cashier: No
Hubs said we should only drink one night a week…. But he didn’t say anything about the day 😜 #sundayfunday
Hobbies are so different in San Francisco. Everyone is like, “I went for a hike” or “We took a drive along the coast.” In New York it was like, “I looked outside for awhile and decided it wasn’t worth it.”
[watching burglar tear apart the house] lmao ur not even close
a robot’s eyes change to red when they go evil because they are in love (with murder)
Ate a moldy blueberry.
Thought of you.
A lot of Future Billionaires are currently in my mentions telling me how wrong I am about crypto (I didn’t really give an opinion either way but they’re HERE TO LET ME KNOW!). Dang boys you’re right. Gonna buy in and start hassling strangers online, this is how we get rich