Wonder why we didn’t get blimp sky view coverage of game.
FBI: oops wrong one
❤️❤️❤️
detective: when did this happen.
edgar allan poe: while i pondered weak and weary over many a quaint and curious volume of forgotten lore.
detective: [writing notes] pretentious dipshit…was…reading.
To me the most romantic part about having a crush on someone is when instead of just telling them, your anxiety just makes you act increasingly more unhinged in conversation until you both hate you 🥰🥰🥰
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Coffee costs less
Than a dinner for two
Me, 5 minutes into the zombie apocalypse: Fresh brains here, come and get your brains!
😏😏😏
employer: what skills do you possess that would make you suitible for this position?
me: I possess the skill that will make all your other employees look perfect by comparison
happy valentine’s day to me
I feel like I’d really make more progress on my goal of being more positive if everyone wasn’t such a huge piece of shit all the time
mental gymnastics are fine if you can stick the landing
I should have been a cat, bc all I do is sleep and the rest of the time I’m just weird.
HONEY QUICK COME HERE THERE’S A COMMERCIAL ABOUT MENOPAUSE