“Church is like prison for me: they can’t keep me out.”
– Midnight, a church friend
that’s not arthritis. It’s early onset rigamortus.
When I was 11 I went to the mall and got a mullet. The MALL! A MULLET!
Then the next day I went again & had the back of it permed. PERMED!
Oh and also I got grounded, and my mom cried, and I may have ruined the Christmas card.
But I looked rad AF.
This is top tier marketing 😂🤣
Some cool things about NYC are that it’s the nation’s largest city, an international cultural and economic hub, and right now there are about 8 people left running it
Untrue. I’ve already gotten gastro at several Sydney pubs.
Popped in on my parents and caught them watching and somewhat enjoying Big Bang Theory. I’ve never felt more betrayed.
husband: we need to get your ring insured in case there’s a fire or tornado
me: but what if the tornado wants to use my ring to propose to his tornado girlfriend
husband:
Me: [right before a hurricane hits] ugh I just washed the car
i’m a 10 but in the psych ward i’m a 13.
Full moons and eclipses are best captured with either a fancy lens or high quality mushrooms.
FUN DENTIST STORY: I had headphones on as I got dental surgery today and I kept turning up the volume to try to drown out the sound of the drilling. Except, fun fact: I was not pushing the volume button. Instead I…CALLED 911.
My 6yo lost his first tooth today and wants to know when the dentist is coming.
who’s gonna tell her?
