😭😭😭
I used to make jokes about sewing but I ran out of material
going to bed
Dog politely drops hints that he’s interested in walking..🐕🐾😅
her: so, what should i do now?
doctor: inform your partner
her: i don’t know if i can face him
doctor: you can write him a note
her: that’s a great idea!
Once my toddler became OBSESSED with the pink Amoxicillin. She LOVED it and WANTED it
I put it up HIGH on top of the HIGHEST counter
She stood motionless, staring up at it for a good 5 minutes
Then I started to hear furniture moving
I challenged a man who left his shopping trolley in the adjoining space and he replied “someone else will move it” before walking away. He was right, I did – and attached it to his driver’s side door with a cable tie
wearing a condom while she on birth control call that two factor authentication
love that the person on this box of tea looks like they’re being cooked on a spit like a 7/11 hotdog
If giants aren’t real then explain the 12 foot skeletons at Home Depot
Shift.
I meant SHIFT!
Oh god.
My old roomate who is extremely offline found out that I had a Twitter with a few thousand followers and now just texts me when he thinks his thoughts are worthy of going viral
