There goes my Valentine’s Day plans..
My trainer told me to get on all fours and I got excited until she said now do tricep extensions.
I picked the wrong week to start my high altitude balloon tours
[visits psychic]
*knocks on door*
Psychic: “who is it?”
Me: “well this is a bad start”
Daughter: dad, will you sign up for the fun run?
Me: I don’t understand your question. Those words don’t belong together.
This Valentines, tell them what you actually think of them 💕
My teen daughter: “Mom, check out the new shirt I bought! It was only $3.00!!”
Me: “It’s because the bottom half is missing.”
my kids don’t always go to the bathroom but when they do they need to use the same bathroom at the same time, all together
me: i just saw a huge rat
starbucks employee: what
me: sorry i just saw a venti rat
employee: omg where
The movie “Up” could never have been filmed today…
don’t forget to look out for your single friends today! leave shallow bowls of water out around the garden so they stay hydrated! if you see one struggling try and feed it with a teaspoon of sugar water to help revive them!
😂💯
First date idea: you buy me a castle in Scotland
[1917]
allied soldier: my god this world war 1 is horrible
another soldier: wait, why did u call it that- are we gonna do this AGAIN
It’s dumb to call the Super Bowl winner “World” Champions. With all these UFOs they should be called Intergalactic Champions