My son is running back and forth from the kitchen to his room because he can’t bring the chips to his room.
He’s nothing if not a problem solver.
Any time my wife brings up home renovations I just mention installing a urinal and suddenly we’re not talking about home renovations any more
I don’t mean to brag but I stopped eating an incredible meal because I was full and didn’t need anymore.
Marriage is 33.7% hiding to eat snacks because you and your spouse are supposed to be on a diet.
Remember to think of others this holiday season!
Coworker-have you heard about that diet that works because you only eat 5 bites?
Me- *stuffs entire donut in mouth* nwopefff. fwuckff owfff.
Yesterday I said the words “clink the lick” instead of “click the link” because my mouth likes to prank me
I have 4ish hours to sleep, but instead of doing so I’ll just complain online about how little potential sleep I have left.
I did not take a DNA test…
Turns out I’m am 100% not caring what I am…
becoming a doctor so i can hit my enemies with a little hammer
“I like green peppers, but they don’t like me anymore haha.”
They never liked you. They don’t have feelings because they’re food, Barbara.
me: can i borrow $100
friend: promise u won’t buy drugs with it
me: oh i already have money for that
If it was really a smart phone it would have recognize that it was an ignored call, not missed.
Remember that the most popular man in the village was its idiot.
Friend graduated Harvard this weekend, but last night I got a 95/100 from the c-pap.