Me: {sobbing my heart out, eyes swollen, nose red) “I can’t see you anymore. I am NOT going to let you hurt me like that again!”
Trainer: “It was a sit-up. You did one sit-up.”
I don’t do weights but my 4yo refuses to walk sometimes so yeah I lift
The older you get the only functions you attend are bodily..
[at a chemistry convention]
Him: “You’re so-dium cute, but are you always this salty?”
Me: “Na, not always. Just periodically.”
Love this guy
If he:
-Changes his entire look for you
-Travels 1,900 miles upstream to chase you
-Procreates and dies
-Replenishes an entire ecosystem with his carcassHe’s not your valentine, he’s a Chinook salmon
my name if I was in the mob
bank website: you have one password attempt remaining before we kill your entire family
proctologist: [removing three nerf darts] do I have to ask
me: no you can have them
Dishonest mechanic?
set yourself free xox
The reason I look like I’m paying attention is because I’m mentally correcting your grammar.
I have no idea what you’re talking about.
A friend helps you before you need it
Why stop at weighted blankets? Put a boulder on me.