my favorite six seconds of every contemporary horror movie is when they try to solve the problem with their phone and verbally recognize that they are out of their cell provider’s service area
ME, my last day as a doctor: Sir, your sugar is dangerously high. You need to eat less… *checking the notes on my hand*… crabs.
Me: I think we should take the next step. I want you to meet my parents
Her: now that we’ve been married for eleven years?
Hey everyone, try my new soft drink. It’s called MOIST
so u have kids?
yes a bunch of them
that’s great, any hobbies?
I don’t understand the question
A wet beach towel will dry in about 30 minutes in the sun or 36 weeks in a hotel room.
I’m getting totally fed up with people moaning about the price of things. £4.50 for coffee, £6 for a piece of cake, £9 an hour parking – always whining.
Honestly, any more complaints and I’m going to stop inviting friends round to my place.
Keep reading this tweet, I don’t want you to see me steal your donut
me: I may have added too much salt
my snail girlfriend: my brothers will avenge me
Rambo Rambow
My husbands pet name for me is “What did you do to the non-stick pan?”
Her: You’re a dumpster fire
Me: So you think I’m hot??
When I was a kid, my mum used to run a dating site for chickens. She did whatever she could to make hens meet.
Do I have to put “parody” in my account because I’m not actually a sentient donut?
I was jumping on the trampoline with my son and now my neighbour won’t stop mowing his lawn next to the fence