Me: don’t ever speak like that to me again
Alarm clock: *continues to beep*
[coming back into house from grocery store]
Me: thanks for coming with me!
7: I didn’t really have a choice.
Me: but it was nice, right?
5: we can’t stay home alone.
Apparently you can’t complain to the restaurant staff about the loud kids when they are yours.
[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine
Every great and accomplished chef had to start somewhere.
I asked my husband to put honey on the shopping list and now it’s all sticky
Child just ran by screaming WHERE’S THE PLUNGER GET TOWELS LOTS OF TOWELS so anyway how is your day going?
everybody freaking out about these UFOs as if it wasnt just that the aliens heard rihanna was performing this week
nurse: how do you rate your pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
Just when you think you have your shit together, a sock goes missing from the dryer and disappears from the face of the earth.
A charcuterie board is just dry soup
gonna start doing mildly unhinged shit to make people uncomfortable.
heat my food for 73 seconds in the microwave,
sit down in the elevator,
pick up my feet a little too high when i walk
I’m really happy being single
Unfortunately my husband doesn’t agree!
“No pain no gain” I whisper shoving in my 8th donut.