[Job interview]
Employer: please explain the gap on your resume
Me: what…they were hiring
Everybody want to be a gangsta till it’s time to go to jail.
Hey neighbor…
Hope you…
Don’t mind…
Me borrowing…
Your…
Trampoline…
my family doesn’t like that i’m in a permanent bad mood after they made it a priority group project to put me in a permanent bad mood
Cop: You swerved into the other lane…do you know how fast you were driving?
Me: did I look like I was paying attention?
Guess who just won the laser tag tournament at the senior center AGAIN
Never tell me to “make myself at home”…i’m just gonna eat all your cheese and then take a nap.
him: I got a new tattoo
me: what is it
him (lifting his shirt): it’s a replica of my thermos from work
me (leaning in to feel it): does it hurt
him: don’t you dare touch the thermos tat
and that how I knew he would make an excellent dad
Husband: You’re ruining my life
Me: Does this mean I still have to make dinner?
If laziness was an Olympic sport, I’d probably come in fourth so I wouldn’t need to walk up to the podium.
I wonder how many times they edited the Bible to take out whenever Jesus said “anyhoo”
Mobster: Take Jack up the hill and make it look like an accident.
Jill: You got it, boss.
Science has yet to explain why sandwiches taste better cut diagonally.
