me: I’m unable to stop making jokes
doctor: you can’t be serious
me: that’s right
Mission Impossible…😂😎🐒
Before I drop a bag of clothes off at Goodwill, I like to take it for a ride in the back of my car for a good five or six months.
DM from random dude: “Show me your bobs.”
Me: sends pics of my last 7 haircuts.
Him: “Describe what you’re wearing right now”
Me: (in yoga pants I didn’t do yoga in, T-shirt I’ve had on for days w/various food stains, fuzzy socks bc I’m freezing, hair in bun)
“Just out of the shower so tank, panties and no bra”
Him: “So hot”
Me: *resumes eating ice cream
Life before kids: Owns 1 pair of scissors and knows exactly where they are.
Life after kids: Owns 16 pairs of scissors and has a better chance of seeing God than finding them.
“You’re only as old as you feel.”
Me, feeling 300 yrs old: Yes, thank you. So inspiring.
me: how’d the date go
friend: i got ghosted
me: wow that’s crazy how did the pottery turn out
Mom: Have you tried the lemon squares?
Me, joking: Nah, I’m allergic to shapes
Mom, serious: It doesn’t look like you’re allergic to round
Imagine the Gilmore Girls discussing which wire to cut on a bomb.
Nobody is looking…here’s my chance…😂😏🐶
Accidentally typed ‘Edgar Allan Pie’ and now I’m in the mood for a sullen and morose dessert
At some point you’ll think you have this parenting thing figured out. Then your child will ask you to take the cheese off of their macaroni.