she think she can manipulate me wit them crystals, girl u is not Thanos
A large group of Canadian Geese is called a Nightmare.
Me: Sleeps three hours.
Brain: That’ll do.
Me: Let me taste and see how are those fries…
My kid: *speedily swallowing them* no need, I can tell you they are good.
Kids be like “That is the funniest thing I’ve ever heard” and it’s just the word duty.
I need a pain relieving patch that covers my whole body
maybe leonardo dicaprio hated 9/11 so much that he can’t even date women who remember it. did that even occur to you
BRITISH PERSON: cheerio
AMERICAN: cheerio cream filled deep fried flamin hot donut burger
I once had a tweet go bacterial.
Doctor: Loss of smell is a symptom of covid
Me, a parent of a teen boy: Oh oh where can I get covid
Guy at the urinal next to me was pee moaning so loud, I thought he was going to breakout into an Adele song.
Cashier: What kind of lettuce is this?
Me: Apples!
*removes “works well under pressure” from resume*
Remembering the year my son sent me a Mother’s Day card saying ‘you’re like a mother to me.’
Don’t be shallow and marry someone just for their looks. Make sure they have money.