Sleeping is my drug, my bed is my dealer and my alarm is the police.🙃
I bet Sauron would be a lot more respected if he had a monocle.
You’re the water to my grease fire.
Fill in the blank song lyric “You are always on my __________”…
Wrong answers only !
I told my husband that one of the kids isn’t his. He’s not mine either. He just wandered in one day and never went home.
date: I like to try new foods
me: then you’re gonna love this place *motioning to waiter* NEWER CHIPS AND SALSA, GOOD SIR
Me, to my cat: You are amazing, I adore you, I understand your time on earth is short and one day I will regret not spending as much of it as possible with you, but…. can you please leave me alone for, like, 5 minutes???
Me trying to match all my Tupperware with the correct lids is how I imagine it was for the prince trying to find Cinderella by making every woman in the land try on a shoe.
But with a hell of a lot more swearing.
If they cancel the Simpsons we will no longer be able to see into the future
Today I’m golfing.
Thoughts and prayers for nearby homeowners.
When everybody knows my name I’ll find a new place…
They say nothing rhymes with orange. I must be pronouncing it wrong.
just poured dr pepper on my face like i didn’t know where my mouth was.
Some of you make me glad your pics aren’t scratch and sniff.