Customer: “I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese.”
Me: “Sorry, we only take cash or credit card.”
Manager:“I need to see you in my office.
Me: Night love.
11: Did you know the snow in the Wizard of Oz was made of pure asbestos?
Wanted:
Someone to chew my food and feed me like a baby bird. No weirdos.
Spelling out ‘A-L-E-X-A’ so your Alexa device doesn’t respond, is the new, spelling out ‘W-A-L-K’ so your dog doesn’t get excited.
I like being married but not every day.
😆😜😆😜
I don’t hold grudges. I pose with them.
Welcome to your 40s. When you’re hungry your stomach sounds like a storm coming in.
“Why you watching this shit?”
*Hears loud noise*
Me: What are y’all doing?
5yo: Nothing. We’re not messing with bowling balls!
If twitter ends I guess I’ll just mail my tweets to Reader’s Digest like I used to.
ME: I’m here for toilet pap–
COTSCO: WARM CROISSANTS
ME: But I…
COSTCO: 500 DISPOSABLE RAZORS
ME: I just nee–
COSTCO: BUCKET OF KIMCHI
ME: *spends $472*
Whenever my daughter starts a sentence with “I saw this Tik Tok that said…”, I know I’m in for some sound advice
“Lunchables” is a good name because it doesn’t make any grandiose claims: “This is able to be eaten as lunch.”