Well, my evening plans are ruined
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: heavy-handed product placement
professor kfc: that’s finger lickin’ good
I pretend I have a “tax guy” because I’m a very busy businessman and not because I’m an idiot who won’t follow instructions
My kid just told me that the 10/10 I got on an attractiveness scale is “just a totally random number and doesn’t actually mean anything”, if you’re in the market for an assassin.
The marriage rate has been trending downward. Choreographed wedding dances may be the reason.
8 ways to manage anger:
– scream into tapestry
– incoherent accusations
– threaten France
– try to shoot lightening from finger tips
– wine
– hurl Spaniards into the Thames
– cake for you and no one else
– new wife
the only way the climate is going to change is if it first admits it has a problem, there’s really nothing we can do
Pretty sure I could never successfully get away with a crime. I shed as bad as the cats! 😹
Three turkeys ran through the yard and all I could think was “wait guys, I’m coming too.”
I only took my daughter to work with me once when she was little.
She cried cos she was expecting to see all the clowns I said I worked with.
You think you’re cool and then you see a video of yourself running.
1st toddler: Here is a book you can look at.
2nd toddler: Here is a toy you can play with.
3rd toddler: Here is something you can break.
Be nice to your children’s teachers. Especially elementary ones, cuz kids have loose lips and that teacher has all the dirt on you.
Maybe Tailgate wants to be banged. Did you ask? You don’t know.
Let’s band together to stop Muppet cruelty. How many Elmos need to die before people will take notice?