Laziness is the art to rest before one gets tired.
#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes
#Wednesday
Whenever I see a couple doing yard work, I like the one standing by the bags of dirt who looks like they can’t quite believe they are outdoors and can’t fathom how they’ve gotten caught up in this terrible thing.
*2:47 am. i roll over, nudge my wife awake & whisper*
i’m thinking of asking my buddies if i can call them my apostles
The CDC says it’s a small boulder the size of a large boulder.
The world’s worst witness
Me: Then he tore off on some kind of donkey with round legs.
Police Officer: Do you think it might have been a motorcycle?
Me: You know, that’s probably what it was.
Twitter is the only place where you encourage strangers to follow you. What could possibly go wrong?
JOSEPH: oh thank god you’re here
MARY: did you bring the diapers blankets and formula
WISE MAN: no i brought myrrh
ok so i’m watching gladiator and the romans are white people with british accents. ok hollywood. alright.
There should be a second ashes they play at night when all the players have had a few
I can now tell the hour of the day by which part of my body needs a heating pad.
INTERVIEWER: *putting down phone* Your Twitter account says you’ve had 148 jobs.
When I used to drink, by this time on a weekend y’all would’ve already seen me mostly naked. Y’all should be especially thankful for my sobriety.
[olive garden]
waiter: when you’re here you’re family
me: cool can I borrow some money
waiter: please leave
A lot of childhood characters weren’t so much beloved as there wasn’t anything else on the tv