*I need to eat better*
post donut clarity
When you’re over 40 and a part of your body starts hurting for no reason that is nature sending a “what ya doing?” text.
TUESDAY. The day you realize that nothing can stop you, because you are a MAGIC SKELETON packed with MEAT and animated with ELECTRICITY and IMAGINATION. You have a cave in your face full of sharp bones and five tentacles at the end of each arm. YOU CAN DO ANYTHING, MAGIC SKELETON
coworker: that’s a great ugly Christmas sweater
me *in my regular sweater*: thanks
detective: what happened?
librarian: a guy stole $10,000 worth of college textbooks
detective: how’d he do that?
librarian: I think he hid them both in his jacket
Cover letter? Here’s my resume twice.
What’s with people who say food looks too pretty to eat???
Umm, no, you crazy idiot, just pass that plate to me.👍😋😃
[choking to death on a sushi roll]
CO-WORKER 1: John, your mute is on.
CO-WORKER 2: John? Can you hear me? Your Zoom’s muted.
CO-WORKER 1: John, you have to turn off your mute.
CO-WORKER 3: I don’t think he realizes he’s on mute.
My new SUV has a button that says
“Rear Wiper”.
I’m afraid to push it.
Good news! I got the new restraining order today. So if anyone needs a stalker I’m available. I have mad stalking skills plus references.
Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: [already pulling out of driveway]
Dogs are man’s best friend because a dog would never blindside you with an eleven person group text.
her: [texts something funny]
me: [types hahahaha]
me: [stares at it]
me: [deletes one ha]
if i got $5 every time i thought of u i would start thinking of u
if you have a roomba but don’t dress it up in little outfits then what are you even doing