I like my men like I like my coffee, tall, dark and left on top of my car
My 8-year-old has been explaining his video game to me since 2003
When older people say, “Enjoy them while they are young.”
They are talking about your knees and hips not your kids.
Ha.
Sorry I’m late, I was combing granola bar out of my daughter’s hair for 25 minutes
The opposite of itty bitty is bigly wiggly
My husband and I are planning a vow renewal later this year. Quick question: Dunk tank or no dunk tank at the reception?
I saw my shadow today. You won’t see that on the evening news because I’m not a stupid fuzzy animal
From now on when a friend says she’s on her way I’m asking her to drop a pin
men what’s stopping you from looking like this
Unsolved mysteries are just mysteries
Darude Sandstorm is my favorite pokemon
Me: *interviewing a potential coworker*: why did you leave your previous job?
Him: I was fired
Me: what for?
Him: I knocked my boss out
Me: How fast can you join?
Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?
[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no