The only relationship you should expect to last on Twitter is the one between your TL and those who have you blocked.
Waiter: How do you like your steak, sir?
Sir: Like winning an argument with my wife.
Waiter: Rare it is.
Me: It’s hard to stay mad at a guy who shows up with pizza instead of a lame bunch of flowers.
Domino’s Delivery: Listen lady I’ve only been late one time.
Sorry I missed your call, the frogs had my phone again.
Can anyone recommend some good beginner crimes to try out if I’m just getting interested in crime
I’m proud of the fact I’ve never yet lost a fight with a panda.
I hate to brag but I’ve been kicked out of several cults for being too weird.
Found 6 cents in the laundry and all I can say is this family better start tipping better if they want fabric softener
I hate avocados
*gets kicked out of California*
What an awful time to have common sense.
Shake what your mama gave you.
*turkey soup from a cool whip container just flies everywhere
Yesterday our neighborhood hairdresser was arrested for selling drugs. I was her customer for 10 years. I had no idea she was a hairdresser.
I don’t want to work for 5 days a week and figure out what to cook for dinner everyday. I want to lay on a rock in the sun like a lizard.