When Corner House says something righteous and you just think
Khan: Revenge is a dish best served cold, and it is very cold in space…
Kirk, who is from Iowa: Oh, you think space is cold?
Why is this me 😫
I can’t lose weight, that’s where all my fattitude is
Me sneaking to the kitchen at 2am to get a peanut butter bar
Star Trek almost inventing the cellphone
ST Writer: Why would he give up his communicator when he was back on the ship? Why wouldn’t he keep it all the time so he could talk to anyone from anywhere at any time?
ST Head Writer: That’s just stupid.
Follow me on instagram here!
It won’t all be gold – most of it is barely pewter
listen, Geppetto made a marionette to replace his dead son, so technically Pinocchio is “mourning wood.”
going to therapy when I’m having a good mental health day stresses me out because what if the therapist is like you seem fine go home I never wanna see you again
I had a $25.00 gift card to Whole Foods, after chipping in another $4.75 I was able to buy two plums.
Me: Doc, I hurt my back.
Dr: What happened?
Me: Well, I was rolling over in bed…
Dr: AT YOUR AGE??!???
My therapist: try working on your active listening skills
Me: goes home and binges Peaky Blinders with no subtitles
Don’t even wrap my subway sandwich up, I’m wearing it out of the store.
My sister just had a baby and I texted the family group chat “oh shit new nephew just dropped” and no one found it funny they were just ashamed of me, which they should be
[Interrogation room after a massive Swiss cheese theft]
Detective: I gotta tell ya, your story sure has a lot of….inconsistencies in it.