nothing will ever burn me quite as bad as when my sister told me i reminded her of those aliens who smoke cigarettes and drink coffee in men in black
just got divorced on zoom in a dunkin donuts, the way the lord intended
In my 20s: I’ll show them
In my 30s: I probably won’t show them
A lorry carrying pens, rulers and compasses has overturned on the M1.
Traffic is currently stationery in both directions.
text from my dad when lebron broke the record
I don’t take Advil when I get my period. I need to feel all the not pregnant.
if you really want to capture her heart this Valentine’s Day sculpt her likeness in ham, the most sensual of the smoked meats
💻🤡
do beavers even know what they’re doing or do they just see water flowing down a river and think “absolutely not”
Girl A: We aren’t actually six years old. We’re six HUNDRED!
Girl B: Yeah. We look this young because we’re actually WITCHES and we take POTIONS to stay young!
Me: Right. But why would you choose to be 1st graders?
Girl B: Uh…
Girl A: It is possible we took too many potions.
At what point were people buying hotcakes so fast it set the bar?
Someone asked me if I had any hobbies and I panicked and said “lasagna”
Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet.
If you don’t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.
Me: What are we doing for Valentine’s Day?
My Husband: Raising three kids
Me: “I think it’s time for a change. Should I paint the bathroom?”
5yo: “Yes!”
Me: “What colors?”
5yo: “The same!”