Just know that somebody out there is thinking of you, and you should really lock your doors.
It’s that magical time of year for parents.
School picture day is coming up.
The day schools will pressure you to prepay for pictures that your kid will absolutely have their eyes closed in.
Them: Do you know who you look like?
Me: No, and I’d prefer we kept it that way.
Disguising marmite as honey seems like a good way to get dumped on Valentine’s day
“Schrödinger’s Second” is the time immediately after a child collides with an object where they are both hurt and not hurt until observed
This is the smartest joke I’ve ever written
[first day as a server]
guy: “can i order something off-menu?”
me: “well, that is how menus work sir”
My kid: I’M NOT GOING TO BED!
Prison guard: *pinches bridge of nose* Again, this is not up to you.
Yet another unrealistic beauty standard smh
I was watching a show for about 10 minutes, and this lady was listing all of these great things to do for fun. Then I realized that it’s one of the religious channels, and she was reading a list of sins
Hungover parenting is like being in an Alien movie. You’re scared because there are fast moving creatures all around you, and you really don’t want them to jump on you.
Ah yes. The three genders
Love how Scooby-Doo has the ability to speak and the mystery gang is like nbd
Patron: I’ll have the french toast
Waiter, donning a beret and raising a glass: oui oui, mon amie
5-YEAR-OLD: mommy, what happens if I turn 100 years old?
MY WIFE: you get a special certificate from the president
5: what happens if I turn 150?
W: you die