Tired of actually helping? Try prayer
“I’m just here for a good time, not for a long time.”
– me, talking to the fridge
My 4yo told me to hold her baby as she walked away with her dad. My 4yo left me in a restaurant alone with a fake baby in my arms. I should’ve put the the baby down, but I didn’t. I just held it like a real baby. Why? Idk why. Parenthood is wild.
Went for a drug test today in my glasses with a mask on the entire time. I could have sent someone else.
I’m at the “buy bigger jeans” part of my Eat. Pray. Love. journey.
There are 400 billion stars in our galaxy and perhaps two trillion galaxies in total, and I just wonder if Miss Universe fully understands her achievement.
thanks for leaving the volume on an odd number all night now I have to sage the house three times to even it all out
well, Sam. It’s been a helluva day. A helluva day! Hit me, again.
A dumpster is a sacred place. I am a bear.
That’s not how days work.
I’ll start buying “smart” appliances when they make a microwave that automatically electrocutes people who put fish in it
Check out the legs on this baby
I think that next job interview I conduct I’m going to ask the candidate “What is best in life?”
If they don’t answer “To crush your enemies, to see them driven before you, and to hear the lamentations of their women,” then hard pass.
Trying to keep the riff raff away.
The most difficult thing you’ll do as a parent is not rearrange the ornaments after the kids put them on the tree.