“Welcome to the library, can I help you”
“Yeah I need you to make copies and and find the forms I need from this website and print them and also could I get a pen and an envelope”
“Shall I pick up your dry cleaning too?”
“Oh my gosh do you guys do that, that would be amazing”
My 3-year-old said she wished we had a pet. I reminded her we have a dog and wow the genuine surprise on her face as it dawned on her that our dog is a pet and not just some other guy who lives here.
The best shot in the history of golf
If I had an hour to live I’d spend it on a treadmill because every minute feels like an eternity and at the end I’d be happy to die
walkable cities suck i want to be hit by a car on the highway
my gf left me cuz I’m insecure
nvm she’s back she went pee
You’ve got a lotta nerve showing up here and being right.
I told the baby to stop throwing her cup and she immediately grabbed it, took a long drink, threw it across the room and then looked me dead in the eye and said, “Uh oh.”
self care is telling yourself you didn’t hit the curb, the curb hit you
Doctor: Your children are very healthy
Me: Good
Doctor: They’re getting bigger and stronger
Me: I know
Doctor: And they’re going to get even bigger and even stronger
Me: *trembling* I know
Honesty is a bit of a red flag for me. Like woah! What are you not trying to hide?!
A lot of people are mad that I broke into the zoo and dyed all the bears white. It’s polarizing.
Everybody gangsta til they have diarrhea and a broken zipper
Doctor: It’s really not that bad. I’ll get you fixed up with 8 stitches.
Me, uninsured: Do I hear 5 stitches?
Boss: I’m going to need you to start being more of a team player.
Me: You want me to save the titanic too?
