My son came out as gay recently, I told him that it is all OK (of course) and that I always knew. Truth is I didn’t have a fucking clue. I thought the other one was gay, and he’s now had three kids with three women. I’m the owner of the world’s least accurate Gaydar.
So many true crime podcasts are just like “a young woman went missing, the police took a week to respond, she was last seen with a man the community call Creepy Murdery Steve, he has never been questioned”
honey, bring out the fine china.
We’re getting a mini moon for two months, and it’s just called “2024 PT5”. That’s a terrible name. I’m going to call it Gary.
the toddler refers to every baby as Baby [Name], like Baby is their formal title
Thaw me like one of your french fries
I put my pants on like everyone else.
with hope they still fit.
when circumstances permit and someone has done something naughty or rude on the road instead of honking at them or yelling i just try to catch their eye and wag my finger in the “no no” gesture because it’s what i personally would be the most enraged by
Celebrated fall by going to the state fair and spending a mortgage payment on deep fried oreos and water.
Enjoying a few cups of coffee at my enormous kitchen island while being scrutinized by my two friends, one of whom has a torso that is physically inside the island
me: i’ve committed adultery. i’ve been doing a lot of adulting.
therapist: no.
