I don’t think the person who said “if there were an infinite number of monkeys at an infinite number of typewriters one would create the complete works of Shakespeare” had even a basic understanding of monkey behavior.
Tuah Kill a Hawkingbird
Fish must think we look so weird with both eyes on the front of our face.
i shaved my chupacabra for this?
Your soulmate is too smart to date you
If I ever die on some hill, rest assured, something fishy is going on.
They should invent something in between cappuccino & narcotics.
thought i was a minimalist, but it turns out i’m just broke
*an investigator at the site of a airline crash recovers an undamaged toad the wet sprocket cd*
{shaking his head} they shoulda’ made the whole plane out of these
Roombas should bark
I love my family: I bought a really cool green gourd at the grocery store on the way to the beach & everyone’s first thought is we need to do a photo shoot of the gourd on the beach
When folks describe me as ‘a riot’, you might think it means I’m ‘fun and hilarious’. It really means I’m ‘broken glass and molotov cocktails’.
A 20% discount sounds great until you realize you can’t afford the other 80%
Wife: any ideas for dinner this week and don’t you dare say hot dogs
Me:
Wife:
Me: frankfurters
Tequila should come with a label saying “this may cause you to pick trash off the interstate in an orange jumpsuit on the weekends.”