I’m haunted by my grandmother saying “apple pie without cheese is like a kiss without copping a feel”
I don’t know about you but I always take the road less traveled because chances are I won’t run into stupid people.
Resigned to my own fate, but also really hoping that fate includes Snickers bars and an 8th season of Buffy the Vampire Slayer.
Might cry like a baby hoping to get scooped up by a dingo.
It doesn’t qualify as a murder mystery unless the detective describes the crime in detail, turns to the least likely person in the room and says, “but you probably already knew that… didn’t you?”
M: there are so many castles for sale in France!
H: but you wouldn’t know anyone there
M: that’s the best selling point there is!
This is like the worst pick up line I’ve ever heard in my life. Come on now guys do better. do better.
😩🤭😂🤣😂🤦🏼♀️
So, it turns out “hey, check out this rash” isn’t a great pick-up line.
Fluff me with a fork baby
Has anyone done the math on “a problem shared is a problem halved.”
If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
I’m locked out. Come let me in.
Girls are girls. They will wait for your reply without texting you!
*during sex
Any way I could convince you to make some velociraptor noises?
I was in a district team building meeting today and everyone had to say something they loved. They chose me first and I said vintage Pyrex and the leader said “not your husband or kids?” and this is a level of awkward I’d not experienced yet in life
Meet me at the paint pan so our rollers can rub together.