Great game to play with friends
Helping ya friend pick a picture to post 🤝 commenting like it’s ya first time ever seeing the picture
my friends: “im not a hater but-”
me: “dont worry i am”
Christmas in 3 weeks and everyone’s gifts still in my thoughts and prayers
My family: u about to go to work???
Me in my work clothes:
me adding lol on a serious message
me, age 21: *pulls an all nighter* yay!
me, age 37: *sleeps the whole night* yay!
Me: I’m single – I can eat beans whenever I like
Also me: why am I still single
Gaslighting myself with the lid of this Pringles tube like I’m actually capable of some restraint.
“I keep waking up at 2:04 every night”
— my 7YO describing what I can only assume is the beginning of our family’s real-life horror story.
Here’s this year’s kid-friendly Halloween joke:
Why didn’t the skeleton cross the road?
Because he didn’t have the guts!
Happy Halloween 🎃
*goes outside*
*realises it’s entirely too windy to be wearing a skirt*
*regrets today’s choice of underwear*
Interviewer: and finally, why do you want to become a police officer.
Me: [thinking of all the awesome parties i’ll finally get called to] help the community obviously
If swimming is such good exercise, explain whales