I’ll climb down out of this tree when people stop referring to common sense as a life hack
Excuse me, waiter, there is a spy in my soup. It fell out of the balloon in the sky.
So I went to the store and bought 5 oranges, but somehow I lost 2 on the way home. Then when I got home I found I had 3 oranges behind the coffee machine — and now I’m officially the guy from the math problem you hated.
Me – Okay well, put me down for bringing the flowers to the office party
Cw – oh no you don’t! We know you steal them from the cemetery
Too many catfish out there. Verify your identity by posting yourself holding a spoon. I’ll go first
i don’t mean to brag, but i totally got to third base with my rem cycle last night.
Be woman enough to admit when you’re wrong. And then make everyone pay.
Monday, if you keep this shit up – I’m taking you out of the will.
China spy balloon:
“We’re trying to contact you about your car’s extended warranty.”
If God wanted us to be vegetarians, he would have made broccoli more fun to shoot at.
Me: Do you ever get the feeling that people are laughing at you behind your back?
My husband: Not really
Me: You’re not very perceptive
Me, sophisticated:
*tastes wine* Mmm, is this a red?
Me: We’re going to get a new ventilation system installed, will make the house much healthier
7: Why is it unhealthy, it’s never even had junk food?
no one in the history of the world has ever been less interested in making grand proclamations than I
Parents should get hazard pay for sleeping in the same bed with a toddler