Weekends in your 20’s: Making rash decisions
Weekends in your 40’s: Googling rashes
My husband and I have a lot in common. We’re both married to immature people and live in a filthy house.
My son’s favorite meal is what he calls ‘mommy toast’ which is when I make him toast but I have to pretend it’s for me and he steals it off my plate
My mom said you have to love me and ask me out for Valentine’s Day
If a girl says she wants to have seggs with you, she means six hard boiled eggs
twitter is cool because sometimes your random thoughts resonate with thousands of stupid losers
I just want to feed somebody a extra large corndog too
The first thing to do today is find out where I parked the car and then try to remember why I’m still in it
Getting all my homies to like my enemies bad tweets so they’re socially conditioned to tweet worse
you can’t convince me that “starfish” doesn’t mean “kinda starf”
So we’re agreed: if that balloon flies over any of us, we moon it like it’s 1978
Funny how the British conquered so much land looking for spices.
But then refused to use them.
I’ll be like “I’m just gonna go take a quick look around the bookstore” and come back weeks later in flowing white robes having defeated a Balrog
Life hack
been searching for the right mix of relaxing sounds to help me sleep and i tried nature noises but they ended up freaking me out like one of them had so many frogs. one frog is ok but this was too many frogs. like an army of frogs. who can sleep when there is a war on the bayou